You Know You Should Be Nicer to Yourself… So Why Can’t You?
If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at the idea of “just be kinder to yourself,” you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. For many of us, self-compassion doesn’t come naturally. It can actually feel foreign, uncomfortable, or even dangerous.
So why is that?
In my work as a trauma-informed therapist, I often use Somatic Therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help clients understand what's happening beneath the surface when self-compassion feels out of reach.
Let’s break it down.
💠 From a Somatic Therapy Lens:
Your Body Has to Feel Safe Before It Can Feel Soft
Your nervous system is always scanning for safety. If you’ve experienced trauma, chronic stress, or emotional neglect, your system might interpret softness as vulnerability—and vulnerability as a threat.
That means:
Slowing down might trigger anxiety.
Offering yourself kindness might feel suspicious or even nauseating.
Stillness might send your body into a shutdown (dorsal vagal) state.
Your body has adapted to protect you. So when self-compassion shows up, your nervous system might go, “Whoa! This isn’t familiar. This doesn’t feel safe.”
Instead of relief, you might feel exposed.
Self-compassion isn't just a mindset—it's a physiological state. And if your body has never learned that it's safe to receive warmth, it won’t let you access it easily.
🧠 From an IFS (Parts Work) Perspective:
Self-Compassion Can Activate Your Protectors
IFS teaches us that we all have inner “parts” that carry different roles and burdens. When we try to offer self-compassion, our protective parts may jump in to stop us.
Why?
Because compassion threatens their mission to keep us safe by:
Pushing us to perform
Criticizing us to “motivate” us
Keeping us busy and on guard
They believe:
“If I let you be soft, you'll fall apart.”
“If I forgive myself, I’ll stop trying.”
“If I stop being harsh, I’ll get hurt again.”
They’re not trying to sabotage you—they’re trying to protect you.
And beneath those protectors? Exiled parts that carry deep shame, grief, or fear. These younger parts have often been ignored, punished, or betrayed. So letting them feel compassion now may feel… unbearable.
Self-compassion invites vulnerability. For some parts, that’s too big of a risk.
So… What Can Help?
If you struggle to offer yourself compassion, you’re not doing it wrong—you’re honoring your system’s wisdom. But there are ways to begin shifting gently into softness.
💡 Try These Somatic and IFS-Informed Practices:
1. Get Curious with Your Protectors
Ask:
“What are you afraid might happen if I was kind to myself?”
“How long have you been trying to protect me this way?”
Let them speak. They want to be heard, not exiled.
2. Make Compassion Sensory
Instead of repeating mantras, try:
Placing a hand on your chest or cheek.
Wrapping yourself in a blanket.
Imagining warmth as a color or texture.
Let your body start to feel safety—not just your mind.
3. Offer Compassion to a Younger Part
Can you picture yourself as a child? Can you send kindness to her instead of your current self?
This gentle distance can make self-compassion feel safer and more accessible.
4. Pair Compassion with Strength
For high-achieving or hyper-independent clients, compassion might feel too soft. Reframe it:
“I can be kind and still hold boundaries.”
“I can offer grace without giving up.”
Final Thought:
If self-compassion feels hard, you are not alone—and you're not broken. Your body and your parts are doing their best to keep you safe.
But healing happens when we teach those parts—and that body—that safety and softness can coexist.
And when they finally trust that?
That’s when self-compassion becomes not just possible… but powerful.
💬 Want to Explore This More?
Our therapists at Authentic Connections Counseling specialize in trauma-informed, somatic, and parts-based approaches. If you’re ready to feel safe in your own body and soften the inner war, we’re here.
👉 Schedule a free consultation
Or explore more in our Healing Tools Library
