What They Don’t Tell You About Healing from Shame …And Why You’re Not Broken for Struggling
When you first start healing from shame, no one really prepares you for what it feels like.
You might imagine transformation looking like a sunrise—hopeful, bright, and freeing, or maybe something unattainable and insurmountable. Either way, most of the time? It’s messy. It’s subtle. It’s uncomfortable. And it’s confusing.
As a therapist and someone who’s done this work personally, I want to share some honest truths about healing from shame that I wish more people knew and talked about.
1. Healing doesn’t feel like healing at first.
It often feels like you’re doing it wrong. You start becoming aware of how often you apologize for existing, how loud your inner critic is, how much of your life has been shaped by fear of rejection.
That awareness? It can be overwhelming. But it’s also the beginning of your power.
Healing shame means unlearning years of survival strategies. Of course it’s going to feel hard. This first part could be characterized by coming face to face with what makes you shatter or spiral, and that’s not fun for anyone!
2. The goal isn’t “confidence.” It’s compassion.
So many people think healing from shame means becoming more confident, assertive, or “finally having high self-esteem.”
But shame doesn’t dissolve just because you accomplish more (I wish though!).
The real shift is when you stop abandoning yourself in hard moments.
When you hear the old inner voice saying, “You’re too much” or “You’ll never be enough” — and you pause long enough to say, “Hey. I’m allowed to be here. I’m allowed to need. I’m allowed to take up space.”
That’s healing. THAT’S where the power is!
3. You will want to quit.
This is important. Healing from shame often stirs up… even more shame.
Why? Because you’re challenging your identity. You’re rewriting stories that once kept you “safe.” You’re allowing parts of yourself you once shoved down. And last but not least, you’re acknowledging years of pain and suffering that replay in your mind like a vicious cycle.
Some days, you’ll feel raw. Tired. Fragile.
This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your heart is softening — and that’s a good thing.
4. It doesn’t happen in a straight line.
You might feel empowered on Monday and completely triggered by Thursday.
You might feel like you’re “back at square one” — but you’re not. You’re on a spiral staircase. Each pass through the pain brings you to a deeper level of understanding.
You’re not regressing — you’re integrating.
5. You’re not meant to do this alone.
Shame thrives in silence. That’s why it’s so important to bring it into the light — with people you trust, with tools that help, and in spaces that hold you with compassion. I often tell my clients, “Shame dies when it’s shared in a safe place.” (Also, why I’m working on building a community space where it’s safe to share shame stories because this safe space can be hard to find—cue book club and our Fb support group)
You don’t have to carry it all by yourself anymore.
💛 Want more support?
If you’re doing the deep work of healing from shame, I created something just for you.
My Breaking Free from Shame Workbook is a gentle, empowering guide to help you:
✔️ Understand your shame spiral
✔️ Build self-compassion
✔️ Reclaim your worth — one step at a time
You are not the problem.
You are someone who’s healing from the belief that you are.
And that changes everything.
